Crazy Little Thing Called "_ _ _ _" (Part II)

I'm watching the Devils seal the deal on a win, enjoying the irritating but clean smell of bleach . . .

I've been playing devil's advocate with myself for the past week and a half . . .

I didn't realize just how cynical I was until I saw the same cynicism in someone else . . . the fact that they are an interest makes the point all the more poignant.

Now I have to consider everything that I've said and done . . . looking at it from the opposite point of view . . . which is a daunting task . . . my walls have already been built, I've already set my ways and spirit in a certain line of thought, and I've committed time and energy to maintaining an abject refusal and denial of the present situation.

But now I have to consider all this work as detrimental to my mental and spiritual growth . . .

I mean, is it really that important? In our modern society, the notion of having ideal is regarded as naive, foolish . . . even to the point of being retarded. No one else plays by the rules, there is no honor among thieves . . . we all should just go out there and take what's owed to us . . .

But then I look at the world around me with my own eyes, removing the veil . . .

All the people that I know who think in the aforementioned way are, in fact, miserable. They take everything they want to take, they have everything they feel is important and yet they are still searching, hungering for more. They put all of their stock in material things and are still wanting . . . why? The object of the game is to have the most stuff and pay the least for it . . . they should be happy they are winning . . .

Unless there's more to this . . .

I've lived enough life to have first-hand experience, assurance, and knowledge that there's something else at work here. To document all the proof here and now would one; take more typing then I'm prepared to do right now and two; take away from the overall point I'm trying to make here . . . perhaps another blog . . .

Anyway, to sum it up, as many times as I've been handed the short end of the stick is as many times as I've stood atop the mountain, arms raised in a "V".

But it's lonely at the top . . .

Ironically, I've been on a kick, listening to all the music I used to listen to right before my life fell apart (the first time). That situation involved a job and a girl (she was a looker, too) and it ended with me quitting the job (for reasons I will not disclose) and being called a bum (by the looker). All the people I've ever had in my life are around for the good times and run for cover like cockroaches to light when hard times hit. It seems I have a knack for stepping over the edge when things are going well and clawing right back up when I fall on hard times . . . some would call this resilience . . . I'm more likely to call it lunacy.

I've never been good with relationships, my family life sucks, my friendships are rocky and I spend most of my time alone. Consequently, it has an impact on the way I look at life, people, and society in general. In short, I have severe trust and abandonment issues . . . to the point where they cause a significant degree of paranoia and schizophrenia . . .

I wrestle with my humanity.

Naturally, I seek to procreate as any human does, but, as strong as nature is I am equally, if not more driven to secure and further my "man-thought" . . . I quest for immortality. I've even toyed with the theory that there is something important for me to express or create, and my own immortality has created a flaw in my personality that will not allow me a successful relationship so that this life's work can be completed.

At first blush, I considered this to be quite outrageous but then I thought about the connection between one's brain and spirit. Psychologically, if someone can create mental blocks of traumatic events, then the notion that I could have sub-consciously pushed love interests away in pursuit of spiritual fulfilment doesn't seems so far-fetched. In fact, it's a better theory than just writing myself off as an asshole . . .

Still, the question that remains is: How can I accomplish this great task without experiencing a complete life? You know the saying: Behind every great man is a great woman . . . well, we're not in Japan . . . you can walk next to me if you wanna . . . at least that's how I see it . . . my problem is I can't find anyone that can keep pace with me . . .

But this is supposed to be about compromise . . .

This is where it gets hairy . . . if I slow down for someone else, will they speed up for me? Truthfully, I'm more worried about being a detriment to the other person, fuck what they can give me . . . I don't need much more than someone to come home to. I probably wouldn't be so unstable if I knew there was somebody in my corner . . . I'd sacrifice damn near everything just to know what that's like . . .

I often wonder if there is anyone truly capable of dealing . . .

My acquaintances and most of the women that I meet know me to be "happy-go-lucky", "entertaining", "funny" . . . you get the picture. Little do they know that I'm a walking emotional train-wreck. They see me as this "knight in shinning armor" who will solve all of their problems and sweep them off of their feet . . . they want me to fight for them but they are unable and unwilling to mend my battle scars . . . they don't know how to smith and they can barely cook . . . you can't fight on an empty stomach.

People in general have no idea that I had to find a reason to get out of bed this morning that didn't involve a revolver. They think cause I got a baby face and a pretty good vocabulary, I got it made. They can't see the stitches, lacerations, stab wounds, and all the cybernetic parts that make up this charming personality . . . I'm humorous cause I laugh at my own misery.

It makes me wonder if this is even for me, cause if I wasn't miserable or lonely, I don't know if I'd have the same outlook, say the things I say or smile the way I do. But then I think about how much more engaging I could be if I were truly happy . . .

So I remain Strider until I find a reason to come out of the shadows and take my rightful place as king . . .

When Hollywood Waxes Philosophical . . .

I've been awake since about 9 am. watching the Star Wars marathon on Spike TV.

Upon watching "Empire" and currently watching "Return Of The Jedi", I was hit with a sense of nostalgia . . . and I was brought back to a better time . . . a time of summer vacations at my mom's house watching the original Trilogy(out of order, as I would find out later) on a VHS tape. The tape actually still exists, recorded from a time when there was only one HBO channel, (Ch. 14 for me).

As I was still in grade school, Star Wars for me was a movie that had really cool scenes and really cool stuff going on . . . I mean what kid wouldn't wanna fly spaceships and whack stuff with a sword made of light that can cut through anything, and say really cool one-liners that fit every moment perfectly? Looking back now, and after watching a million and one documentaries on Star Wars, it's the swashbuckling, action-packed, entertainment value of the movie that I appreciated back then . . .

But then I got older . . .

I began to grasp the underlying message in Star Wars shortly after beginning my theological and philosophical studies. My spiritual masters and mentors both were big Star Wars fans, and as they were older and wiser, they were able to use the movies as a teaching tool to instruct me in the ways of what I would now call "Christian Buddhism".

As Zen Buddhism has no central deity, it is philosophically sound for one to fully believe in Christianity while being a devout Christian. Because my mentors were well versed in both methods of thought, the circles of influence pertaining to these belief structures overlapped, giving me a strong and solid foundation in these philosophical studies. I began to internalize the notion of being a Jedi, not to levitate salt shakers, but to be ever mindful, and to use my God-given talents for good . . . to not give in to the anger, fear, and confusion that had ruled my life to date and to see the common thread of humanity that exists in us all. Later, my reading of "The Elegant Universe" would give a scientific validity to this belief . . .

But that is neither here nor there . . .

Upon the release of the Prequel, I lost respect for the Lucasfilm camp . . . I mean, why tell me a story that I already know? It was a great idea on paper, and initially I was upset solely because Star Wars became "cool", something that all the "preps" in school could go see and brag about because it was "the thing". Instead of it being a philosophical wonder, it became nothing more than a box office success . . .

It wasn't until recently that I understood the complete picture . . .

When one begins to understand warfare and the political/economical effects thereof, one understands how and why a golden age declines . . . The Prequels are not just explaining Anakin Skywalker's journey to the Dark Side, it's actually documenting the decline of an enlightened civilization (The Republic) into a much more modern and realistic depiction of humanity (The Empire vs. The Alliance).

The inevitability of humanity and it's representation in both Christianity and Zen Buddhism shows that there are opposing forces at work in our lives. The Christians would tell you it's Good vs. Evil, The Zen Buddhist would tell you they are Masculine and Feminine. Star Wars tells you they are Dark and Light. At any rate, each method of thought will tell you that a lack of balance creates chaos, most noticeable in the Star Wars Universe. Anakin does, in fact, bring balance to the force by way of his son, Luke. This harkens to the Christian ideal that God the Father brings the gift of salvation to humanity by way of his son, Jesus. Enlightenment came to the Buddha upon his leaving his father's side to go out into the world and discover the reason for pain and suffering. A deeper look finds that Luke's biggest foe is the darkness that is inherent in him. Luke is the only Jedi "to date" that has gone from Light to Dark and back to Light. In fact, in the novels that take place after ROTJ, Luke courts both Light and Dark, thus balancing The Force. Do we as humans not walk the fine line between the Light and the Dark? Do humans not have the ability to create life as well as destroy it? Do we not give into greed as many times as we give into benevolence?

As Christians we are trained to recognize the evil in us and to work to rid ourselves of our more base promptings through study, prayer, and works done in faith. Just the same, a Jedi is trained to trust his instincts and not to give in to the human's inevitable loss of faith, and to cultivate that faith in The Force through meditation. A Zen Buddhist practices physical and spiritual meditations, reads good books, and sits at the feet of his spiritual master in order to learn to recognize and gain ultimate control over one's own humanity and manipulate it thus.

As I watch the conclusion of ROTJ I still quote the movie damn near verbatim while recognizing the cinematic excellence of Spielberg and Lucas's works. However, now more than ever, underneath the script and the special effects, I can see for myself the correlation between art and life . . . and knowing that this discovery is not necessarily new or ground-breaking, it holds a certain importance for me. I'd love nothing more than to walk outside of my place of residence with nothing but an X-Wing, a droid, and a lightsaber, traversing the galaxy and using my God-given gift to save the universe . . . then I realize that my lightsaber has six-strings, my hoodie is my cloak, and my God-given talents levitate the spirits of those around me when ever I wield my weapon. My X-Wing has two arms and two legs.

I look back on my life and realize that I have conquered the darkness in me, that I live in a state of perpetual balance, and that through constant vigilance and dedication I can save this dying universe . . .

I am a modern-day Jedi . . .