"If You Still Care At All, Don't Call . . ."

Ok . . . I'm sure we've all had a friend or significant other give the indication that a phone call from them is imminent and not gotten said phone call . . . the only problem is that this causes a line of questioning and thinking that ranges from apathy to anger and there aren't enough personalities to deal with them all, hence the proverbial crash . . .

How much stock do you put into a phone call . . . how much stock to you put into the "promise" behind it? How come I have to be the one to initiate the contact if the feelings are mutual? Are the feelings truly mutual? Am I being strung along here? Are you absent-minded? Or do you just not care? Or are you too busy?

Yes, it is true, I am a guy . . . yes, this is a small fraction of the line of questioning I engage in given the present situation . . . and no, for the record I am not gay and I am not making this up.

But seriously, is it suspicious if the only time people talk to you is if you remind them that you exist? Can you call these people friends, lovers, acquaintances?

Am I just as guilty because I decided to wait for a phone call that was not coming?

But then how come you don't just call at all, anyway . . . unless, of course, I call you first . . .

I just don't get it . . . is it me? Do I think to much? Am I putting too much stock into this?

Are my efforts to not speak ill all for naught?

I would very much like to know what it is to not be a after-thought . . . to not be a "oh it's just" person, but a "hey, you are a" person. To be thought of outside of the confines of convenience, to actually come first in someone's life other than mine . . . or do I have to pay for that too?

I can't help but think that this will end for the worst . . . it makes me want to abandon hope and jettison this person from my life. I asked for patience and intend to give it, but even God hates when people neglect him. He hates the, "Oh, I can just . . ." attitude.

After a lifetime and a half of being taken for granted, I'm getting tired of the same routine.

I need to find a place where intellect and spirituality are valued, not iPhones . . .

Perhaps one day I'll make enough money to have earned that privilege . . .