The End of A Long Road

I have been through a very eye-opening, elightening experience ... so profound that the very premise of this blog is now obsolote ... therefore instead of beginning a new blog I will simply devote this blog to the explanation of this revelation which answers the very essence of this dissertation.

I'm very thankful for this experience ... I have found the answer that I am searching for ... an answer that I imagine most of us are searching for in a world and times like these.

With assurance and conviction I can attribute this knowledge to Deity and my believe in God and man has been restored.

To those who were the most closely involved, you have my utmost thanks ...
To the one who has give me this hope and love ... You are equally loved and appreciated ...
To the One who has made this all possible ... Praise be unto You ...


This is not the end, but the beginning ...

As I sit and wonder ...

Why it is that I'm in the state of mind i'm in ...

I've found self-realization on a personal level ... and have pursued it's heights as far as my conscious would allow ... I had found myself plateaued in a complacent dwindle of faith ... a harmonious protest of solitude given me by my Maker ...

The past six months have expanded the highways I thought closed ... I would share this with you now ...

The hardest thing for an entity to do is recognize an aspect that is not of his own, to identify on a personal level with something for which he has no common ground, point of reference, or knowledge bank to draw from ...

The human manifestation of this truth is most paramount in the pursuit of love ...

The irrational rational ...

How to Leap . . .

I've been studying my life . . . again . . .



I've reached more of an understanding of myself and the world around me during the past six months of my life . . . the reasons why for everything are becoming more manifest and I feel that this understanding is leading me to another plateau of enlightenment.



As I gathered this information I found a sad truth . . . our desperate need for social reform and a resurgence of moral aptitude in our society.



I wonder about the apathy of my generation, myself included . . . and a conversation regarding the difference and validity of Communism vs. Socialism has increased not only my awareness but my conviction regarding the state of our nation.



I wonder about the general attitude of our society regarding the acquirement of wealth and the reckless abandon by which we are encouraged to undertake this task.



For most of us, the instruction we receive from our parents is wrong. The mindset that they instill is more a form of manipulation to ensure their own financial security. The problem is that they themselves do not invest the proper amount of revenue to ensure a profitable yield from this investment. Moreover they expect this investment to overtake their own income, relying solely on the accrued revenue from said investment. This is both logical and fiscally impossible.



Socially, this manifests itself in a peculiar neurotism. This goes beyond the notion of "friendly competition" and becomes an elaborate game of manipulation and "playing favorites". This too is further encouraged by parental units' readiness to ask if acquaintances "give gas money". The ones that do are accepted and the child is further encouraged to be in constant company of said acquaintances, regardless of core moral aptitude.

Yes, it's true that we can blame the economy but in the end it's up to the individual, but that simple choice is being taken away, only to be replaced by the positive reinforcement of petty behavior and greed . . .

The irony is there for all to see, should we unveil our eyes . . .

A Sudden Resurgence of Religion and Faith

As of recently I've been compelled to read the Bible . . .

I haven't read in at least 10 years . . .

The problem isn't the reading . . . it's the fact that I can 't seem to place the reason for this sudden urge to get into the Word . . .

Or maybe I'm still wrestling with denial . . .

Question: How do you deal when your soulmate can't love you back? Not won't, can't . . .

Perhaps I should explain . . .

I've watched a mere acquaintanceship evolve into . . . something. Imagine if you will a relationship that isn't a serious or romantic relationship, but is more than a friendship . . . like an agape friendship, if there is such a thing.

AND NO, sex is NOT a part of this . . .

The last time I checked, people called that true love . . . but then again, I wouldn't know.

The only thing I can equate this to, and the reason I've been out of my gourd for the past three to five months is the fact that I feel the same around this "significant other" as I do when I engage myself spiritually . . .

Is God truly telling me something or am I hallucinating?

The reason I ask is because this "significant other" insists that they "don't want a relationship". But then again isn't a friendship a relationship?

Like I said I wouldn't be buggin' but even this other person has felt the stirring of spirit . . .

Is it possible that one hardened heart will destroy the beauty that awaits?

I guess I should know better because they can't even take a compliment from me without buggin' out . . . but then again I have my theories . . . but something just doesn't feel right about this state of denial we are in . . . even more ironic is the progress we make when we are alone . . . but even that has a rational explanation that I will not disclose out of respect.

We've been spending more and more time apart and in a way it's good but I miss the closeness I share with this person. Even more bizarre is the stirring still happens, regardless of physical distance or interaction . . .

My faith in God won't let me walk away from this but my logical side looks at the timeline and says the clock is running out . . .

My biggest fear is that this person won't be in my life for very much longer and I'm not the type that would live the rest of my natural life wondering what might have been. Likewise this person fears that their death might spin me out of control, not knowing that the growing distance combined with my fear is the recipe for disaster . . .

And then I remember the stirring and it all seems to make sense . . .

As of recent I've decided to put all hope, faith, and belief into this, despite what this "significant other" says. Everything happens for a reason, so I have to keep going . . .

It's a good thing that a broken heart is the hardest thing to break . . .

Coincidence

OK . . . there's definitely been a glich in the Matrix . . .

Howo do you process a seemingly endless need to go back to the beginning . . . with life seemingly falling backwards through time to a certain time . . .

As if this were Quantum Leap but the life I time travel through, linearly at that, was mine?

Kinda freaky, right . . . but that's the best way I can explain it . . .

This is all getting really cerebreal . . . really quick . . . but I kinda like it . . .

So what is the right action now?

What 's the next move?

How do I stay perfect?

Truth is . . .

There is no right action . . .

There is no next move . . .

You merely do not doing.

" . . . and all faces are the same . . ." Part II

So yeah . . .

I'm at work and like always, I was looking at people's faces . . . and they all looked the same . . .

The whole time . . . I was like, "I know that person . . . that's my friend . . . over there, over here . . ."

Anyway, I don't know why I said that but I didn't say it out loud . . .

So yeah . . .

Question: If you asked someone a question, would you look for the next person around and ask the same question without receiving an answer from the first?

This lady at work did . . . not knowing that coffee filters are in the coffee aisle . . .

It makes sense to me . . . and I found them . . .

I assumed she looked, she had coffee in her hand . . . and she said she couldn't find them . . .

I found them in the coffee aisle . . .

Makes sense to me . . .

It's like having a conversation with someone who just talks and never lets you interject by increasing their volume and continuing as though you never spoke at all . . .

It's like not talking about what you love unless you're asked a specific question . . .

It's like a face without a name or a name without a face . . .


I have no idea why I just said that . . . but it wasn't out loud . . .


Yet

" . . . and all faces look the same . . ." (Scylla and Charybdis)

Ok, Ok, Ok . . .

Maybe it's just me and we all know I'm halfway out of the mind that's half insane, but . . .

All these faces look the same . . .

Maybe I'm getting older and maybe I'm just . . . I don't know . . .

I mean from old friends to ex-girlfriends . . . I keep seeing the same faces everywhere. They have different names, but that's about where the differences end . . . it's mildly disconcerting when exes have the same personality traits . . . it makes you wonder how good your decision making is . . .

Anyway, on to something related but not . . .

I was at work the other night and a co-worker comes up to me and proceeds to tell me a story about how I remind him of this guy he used to know. I was ready to take this as a compliment outside of the obvious racial (not racist) remarks about my hair . . .

Well, the story ends with him telling me that my doppelganger drank all of the alcohol in his house and pissed his wife off so they don't talk no more . . . and I'm left standing there like "thank you?"

I wonder why people decide to tell fucked up stories and disguise them as compliments or worse . . .

But I digress . . .

In my search for a point of reference I come across the same bridge. The first time, I took the first step, the second time I swam across the god-damn, and the third time I just kinda shrugged my shoulders and accepted the company . . . now mind you my interests possibly lie elsewhere, but . . .

You know, I should just say "fuck it" and tell everyone to get fucked and mosie on down the road on my lonesome . . . take Hetfield's advice and be the road warrior that I've grown and adapted to be . . .

But I've done that already, and to tell you the truth, I'm ready for change . . .

I find the biggest problem is that you either take it too serious or not serious enough and you're always trying to make up the difference with pennies . . . it's quite tedious and painstaking and you always end up that one cent short of a hundred so you dig everywhere for that last penny, only to find you had it all along and just miscounted . . .

So what is the answer? Where is the divine, absolute truth in this . . . I mean even scientist say we aren't meant, engineered, or conditioned to be alone . . . but is that based on "normalcy"?

What if "crazy" works for me?

. . .

Anywho, I don't know . . . Chino would say he could " . . . see it comin' over his cloud", Ed Kowalczky would say he "could feel it comin' back again", Plant would say he "could feel it callin' him the way it used to", and Maynard would say, "Been through this before" . . . but where does that leave me? What do I say?

Times like these I go back to thinking that I think too much, which leads me to think too much about thinking too much . . . after that I usually go to sleep . . . and think too much subconsciously . . .

But I swear I'm not crazy . . .

The Buddha says to walk the Middle Path . . . he just failed to tell you about the tripwire, howitzers, guerrillas, claymores, plasma grenades, semi-automatic rifles, air strikes, and torrential downpour that accompanies your Eightfold Path through Hell . . . ok, Purgatory . . .

Fuckin' philosophers . . .